Many of us prefer to avoid conflict, but happy relationships aren鈥檛 necessarily argument-free.
At least one study found that the happiest couples didn鈥檛 argue less, but they argued better. Arguments can actually be a catalyst for growth and help strengthen relationships, says Maria Thestrup, a clinical psychologist based in Washington, D.C.
鈥淲e all have moments in all of our relationships where something is off or doesn鈥檛 feel good, so it is essential that we know how to deal with it,鈥� she says. 鈥淎nd, actually, I would argue that the avoidance of having conflict in relationships actually has just as many negative consequences for all of us, including creating a lot of distance in relationships, which leads to loneliness, a sense of isolation. So I鈥檓 a huge advocate for really finding ways to do conflict well.鈥�
5 tips from Maria Thestrup
Don鈥檛 avoid your emotions
鈥淚 would say just because a conflict is heated doesn鈥檛 mean it鈥檚 not constructive. It鈥檚 not that having a lot of feelings in a conflict is a bad thing. It鈥檚 what you do with them. And so if there鈥檚 curiosity, even if it鈥檚 done through gritted teeth, if there is a desire to understand the other perspective, if there鈥檚 a willingness to take responsibility for yourself and your feelings, those are all things that make a huge difference.鈥�
Start by sharing your feelings
鈥淚 think often conflict goes best when you start talking about your feelings, so like the good old 鈥業鈥� statement is super useful. I think most people respond best if they don鈥檛 feel blamed right out of the gate. Starting from a position of like, 鈥業 want to tell you how I am feeling,鈥� is always a really good start.鈥�
Be curious
One way that curiosity can be really helpful is that it stops you from assuming that you know what鈥檚 happening. I need to improve my understanding of the other person, even if it kind of pisses me off and I don鈥檛 like it.鈥�
Be aware of your triggers
鈥淗aving a sense of what it鈥檚 touching on in you is really helpful, and finding a way to notice that and even just name that can be helpful of like, 鈥業 am feeling really overwhelmed right now. I want to keep talking to you, and I don鈥檛 think I can do that right in this moment. Can we take a break?鈥� And also offer that you鈥檒l be back. Like you鈥檙e not leaving, you鈥檙e not abandoning the conversation or the relationship for that matter, but you are trying to take good care of that part of you because you don鈥檛 want to do damage to the relationship.鈥�
How to give a good apology
鈥淚 think we鈥檝e all been taught to say, 鈥業鈥檓 sorry鈥� at the end of a conflict. And I think actually like there鈥檚 an art to a really good sorry. A good sorry is one [where] I think we鈥檙e in touch with a real sense of acknowledgement of our part [in the conflict], and [saying] 鈥業鈥檓 sorry about my part and how I impacted you.鈥� Like almost like sharing what you鈥檇 like to keep doing differently with that person. So [it鈥檚] both an acknowledgement of what responsibility you feel from whatever went on in that conflict and what led to that conflict, but also like an eye towards, here鈥檚 how I want to get better at it with you.鈥�
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produced and edited this interview for broadcast with . Raphelson also adapted it for the web.
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